Independence Day

Independence Day Ah, the Fourth of July. Independence Day. The day we celebrate the time when the Americans began their arrogant ways. It’s the day we declared our independence from Great Britain or England or whatever it was called in those days. We called ourselves the United Colonies of America, Then Ben Franklin told the Convention we wanted to not be colonies. Yes, we didn’t but we were. Someone came up with the idea of United States of America. No one knew what a state was so it was adopted. The Convention was a party since they weren’t there to write a new form of government. It was all a farce right up until the day it passed. No one knew what was supposed to happen when, and if, it passed. In those times men wore wigs on serious days. Wigs on a hot Philadelphia day? We’re lucky we didn’t invite King George to take charge as he was instead of our own King-like George. The men would debate until it got too hot. The debate winners were the ones who could hold out the longest. The Southerners thought they had the upper hand being coming from where it was the hottest. Hot was hot so they sometime lost out. The Northerners didn’t much want to be involved with a bunch of funny taking red-necks. The Southerners didn’t want to mix with Yankees. This was mostly to do with the Declaration of Independence.

Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and George Washington were in Jefferson’s room going over the draft of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin was reading it. “ Ah ha, inalienable rights. Hmm. Ah, all men are created equal. Tom, we don’t believe this stuff. All men are created equal? What about all the coloreds? We made slaves of them. We will never sell this to the people.”

“Yes, well, so what! I guess they don’t count then, do they? What are you, some liberal?”

“Hey”, Franklin retorted, “ don’t you be calling me names, you -”

“Gentlemen!”, Washington cried out. “ Let us not fight amongst ourselves. Tom, this document reads well. However, I’d like to point out that the average guy on the street won’t understand it.”

“Thank you”, replied Jefferson.

The next day the Declaration of Independence was read aloud from the town squares all through the colonies,err, states. The crowds cheered and made such comments as,

“Hurrah!”

“Cheers!”

“I don’t understand it!”

The King called a meeting with his ministers. “What’s this nonsense about Independence, What’s this talk about ‘all men are created equal.’ Where did they get that from. While we’re at it, did they ever pay for all the tea they dumped.”

William Pitt knew this was going to turn out badly. The King wasn’t even English. He barely spoke the language. He couldn’t write in English or any other language. He was just plain stupid. “Well my Lord, they do have their honor.”

“You mean honour,” the King said.

“Uh, yes sire. That’s what I said.”

“No, you said ‘honor’, not ‘honour.’”

“Sure, if we just humor them until we get some sort of agreement-”

“There you go again. You said ‘humor’ when you meant ‘humour’. Where you born here?” William Pitt thought, o-u-r an ass.

Today in Great Britain there are only a very few who know that the fourth means anything special to America. Among those who do, the attitude is best summed up by Percy Allerd. “I don’t give a rat’s arse about their bloody holiday.”

Among the upper-class the attitude is a little bit different. Lord Haversham is quoted as saying, “ Didn’t know the colonies were going to become rich and powerful, now did we? If we had, I can bloody well assure you, sir, that we would have sent a good army to hold them. Those bloody ruffians didn’t even know the rules. We’d line up in our bright red coats and march head on. Those peasants hid behind trees and rocks and fired on us. Cheeky bunch. I must say. A bit cowardly, what.”

He had a point. We only had about twelve thousand men in our standing army. They had three times that. You’d fire one volley and then charge with bayonets. While you were stabbing one English soldier you’d have two stabbing you. It got to where the officers on their fine horses and even more fancy swords began losing the respect of the men.

Col. Snythe told his men to dress the line and , after the first volley, to attack the Redcoats with bayonets. One of the men asked him , “Sir, a word please.”

“Certainly, certainly. I believe we are equal and as common as sin.”

“Sir, wouldn’t it be better to come us this hill and shoot them from behind the trees?”

“No soldier under my command will retreat. If one of you tries to get up here I will shoot you.”

Fortunately we had some bad-ass irregulars. They’d not fight the English on open ground. They would shoot from behind trees. They would try to pick off the officers first. That got so bad that the officers put some dumb ass on his horse at the first shot.

We have our own way to celebrate the Fourth of July. Get up in the morning and drink a few beers. Around noon, go to the parade and maybe drink a few more beers. Come home and, after a few more beers, eat some overcooked hot dogs. Later, after a couple of more beers, we pass out.